There are generally two types of rain in the world: standard
rain and biblical rain. With the former, you tend to take standard preventative
measures to stop getting wet: you wear a coat, take an umbrella and perhaps
even wear a hat.
With biblical rain, you either avoid it entirely or you get
wet. With biblical rain, once you’re outside, there is no avoiding getting
soaked.
Amsterdam has special rain. Because whilst it utterly looks
like ‘normal’ rain, it produces the same result as biblical rain. It’s really
very clever. Umbrellas are useless. It’s too windy. You know when it’s been a
rainy night in Amsterdam because the next morning the streets are littered with
broken umbrellas. Hats or hoods are to be used with caution too as you need 360
vision in order to avoid getting hit by bicycles (see the section about ‘getting
around’). And waterproof shoes (wellies) are a must. While Holland may be
famous for being a flat country, not one single bit of pavement is in the
slightest bit flat, so puddles spring up everywhere and are impossible to
avoid.
Getting around
Amsterdam is a beautiful city with an excellent tram system
and canals and a philosophy of bicycle first. Cars are very low down in the
hierarchy, producing what, on paper, should be the dream city to just wander
around. Much like the rain here, the result couldn’t be further from the
expectation.
Trams: As I
mentioned, there is apparently a superb tram system in Amsterdam. It goes
everywhere, is cheap and you just need an OV Chipkaart (Oyster card) to
navigate your way around in comfort. The only problem is that in over a year of
being here, I’ve yet to find out how one actually purchases a pay as you go
card. Go to the station and they say you can do it on the machine. No, you can
only top a card up on the machine. Someone else will tell you to go online. No,
you can only buy season ticket type versions, for which you need special ID.
Some say you can buy it on the tram. Again, no you can’t (you can buy a single
journey). I literally have no idea where or how this is achieved. I know it’s
possible, there are people using trams all the time, but it’s a mystery how.
The good news is that it doesn’t really matter as Amsterdam is very small, so
you can go everywhere under your own power or possibly get a taxi.
Taxis: There are
taxi-ranks dotted around the city. Beyond that I haven’t a clue how one orders
a taxi. You cannot hail them on the street. They also cost about a billion
euros for a 5 minute ride, so taxis are generally best avoided.
Trains: The trains
are excellent and not too expensive. For example to get from the airport to the
city centre costs €5.20 and takes 10-15 minutes (platform 1-2 for future
reference). Compare that with, say, the Heathrow express, which is £22 to cover
bugger all distance, takes 20 minutes and, if you are not in the right terminal
to start with, will also make you change trains.
Tubes: There is a
metro system, but I have no idea about that. And given Amsterdam is about the
size of an out of town shopping centre, I have no idea what it does or why it
exists.
Walking: Walking
is the single most dangerous thing you can attempt to do in Amsterdam. The
cyclist is king. That doesn’t just mean that the bike takes priority over the
car. Oh no. It means that the bike takes priority over anything and everything,
including pedestrians. The expectation from the cyclist is that either you’ll
not be there or that you’ll move. They will probably use their bell to tell you
to move (the Amsterdam ‘bell’ is not a warning of their presence, it translates
as ‘move very quickly now or you will get hurt’).
You cannot relax at any point when walking. For example, if
you are walking down a narrow one way street, you can be sure that cars will
only be travelling in one direction. Bikes however have no rules. So even
though the road is about the width of a car, they will happily go the wrong way
down the road, on their phone, with headphones in, holding an umbrella.
OK, I hear you cry, just stick to the pavements. WRONG!
Amsterdam is small and compact. What this results in is frequent scenarios
where the pavement just ceases to exist (much like bike lanes in the UK), so
you have to step on the road. In addition, cyclists see corners as ‘impediments
to high speed’ so will happily just cut across the pavement to avoid slowing
down.
Crossing any road is fraught with danger. And unless you are
an owl and can do a full 360 with your head, you have to keep looking either
way – right over your shoulder, every step of the way. Do NOT just look in the
direction of the traffic as you would in England. A cyclist will otherwise
sneak through and kill you.
Cycling: Well, you
could do it at your own risk. But all the local cyclists will hate you. You’ll
also have to control a bike that weights about half a tonne, that may or may
not have breaks where you expect them to be, that has no gears and is so wide
you’ll hit people, cars and other cyclists everywhere you go.
Food
Food is a bit tricky in Amsterdam. There really isn’t any
such thing as Dutch cuisine. The locals will tell you the main food is
Indonesian. There is some Dutch food – bitterballen – deep fried sort of
croquettes with an unidentifiable meat stuffing and served with mustard. It’s
perfectly nice, but not a dinner. There are lots and lots of restaurants
covering most cuisines. Curry has a poor reputation, but there are plenty of
superb pizza places. Weirdly though, restaurants are pretty expensive – even
compared to London. I have no idea why.
Weekends will see various food markets and whilst they
initially look a bit shit, there is some superb produce there – and unlike the
restaurants, can be surprisingly good value. Even if you have nowhere to cook
produce, there will be plenty of food to buy and eat there and then.
There is cheese everywhere, obviously. Try to go to a deli
or market rather than a tourist cheese shop which generally sell strange
combinations of flavours with a cheese, rather than a great variety of local
cheeses.
Flowers
Tulips everywhere of course. Do NOT bother with the oddly
famous flower market (unless you want to buy bulbs). The gap between
expectation and reality is one of the biggest I’ve ever experienced, even worse
than the rain. There are about 30 stalls all of which look the same. I think
there are 2 that actually sell a variety of flowers, the rest sell wooden
tulips and bulbs.
Beer
The beer is excellent here, although be warned that it is
served with a massive head. So it ends up not that cheap when about 1/3 of the
beverage is froth. It’s worth trying the local beers, but do note, they can be
very strong. They also have a very good system for delivering beer to bars –
rather than switching kegs for all the draft beers, they do it in the same way
a petrol tanker fills up a petrol station – run a big fat hose into the
building and pump the beer in. Nice.
Drugs
You smell weed everywhere. You can smoke it in bars, but not
cigarettes. That’s all I can tell you I’m afraid.
Prostitutes
I’m led to believe they exist if you’re that way inclined.
Stairs
Even though Amsterdam doesn’t have many high buildings, it
does love its stairs. But be warned. The stairs in Amsterdam play the same
trick as the rain here. It looks like a normal set of stairs. But it’s not. It
is more closely related to a ladder than to a set of normal stairs. They are
near vertical with insufficient space for your whole foot and using them after
a few drinks is as dangerous as walking around the city.
Crime
As a result of the fact that much of just trying to exist in
Amsterdam is actually a life threatening event, there is very little crime in
the city. The criminals here, if there are any, are too busy showing off their
‘stairs’ skills to graduate into petty crime. And more importantly, they know
that if they snatch someone’s bag and run off, they will almost immediately
either be run over by a car or a bicycle, fall into a canal or die falling down
a set of stairs.
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